Walter Is An Orphan

Occasionally, a celebrity death will NOT be followed by other worthy deaths in succession. These so-called orphan deaths are notable for their rarity.

In the week since Walter Cronkite died, there have been deaths running the gamut from unknown boxers and would-be pro wrestlers to faded Olympic medal winners to authors (including the unfortunate soul who penned the book that became the film "Angela's Ashes") to Taco Bell dogs to Brazilian actresses and German filmmakers.

However, none of these deaths were notable enough to merit further consideration. Therefore, the Death Trilogy Commissioner rules that there will be no death trilogy associated with Walter Cronkite.

DTC

Important Announcement Expected

The Death Trilogy Commissioner issued this statement today:

One week after the death of Walter Cronkite, the public can expect a ruling on whether there is a pending death trilogy later today. Please rest assured, Gidget the Taco Bell dog will not be a part of any such announcement.

DTC

And That's The Way It Is...

CRONKITE

Walter Cronkite is dead. A new trilogy has begun. In other news:

• Eli Wallach and Harry Morgan are each 94.
• Yes, Harry Morgan has stopped beating his wife.
• Patrick Swayze is 57 and has cancer.
• Kirk Douglas and Betty Ford are each 93.
• Betty Ford's liver is suspect.
• Ted Kennedy is 77 and has a tumor in his brain.
• Christopher Lee and Jack Klugman are each 87.
• Yes, Jack Klugman is still alive.
• Billy Graham is 91.
• Kim Jong-il is ill.
• John Forsythe is 91.
• It's a bad year for Angels.

Winner!

The Associated Press is reporting the shocking news that former boxing champion Arturo Gatti was found dead in a hotel room in the seaside resort of Porto de Galihnas early Saturday.

Police investigator Edilson Alves told The Associated Press that the body of the former junior welterweight champ was discovered in his hotel room at the tourist resort, where Gatti had arrived on Friday with his Brazilian wife Amanda and 1-year-old son.

That would make the trilogy:

• Karl Malden, July 1, 2009
• Steve McNair, July 4, 2009
• Arturo Gatti, July 11, 2009

This closes out this death trilogy. Everyone should relax.

Someone Famous Dies Today

The Law of the Death Trilogy stipulates that someone famous must die today.

The trilogy so far:

• Karl Malden, July 1, 2009
• Steve McNair, July 4, 2009

Plus:

• Someone Famous, July 11, 2009

Ladies and gentlemen, start your dying!

How's Kirk Douglas Doing?

Turns out, former pro football quarterback Steve McNair did NOT have a good Fourth of July.

Going into July 8, 2009, we have:

• Karl Malden, July 1, 2009
• Steve McNair, July 4, 2009

This death trilogy remains open until July 11, 2009. Good luck, celebs! One tips: Perhaps avoid secret girlfriends with guns...

Death Trilogy Commissioner Smiles

This item was e-mailed to the Death Trilogy Commissioner from Bos'n Brad:

"It turns out, Billy Mays WAS a part of the Ed McMahon/Farrah Fawcett/Michael Jackson death trilogy: God threw him in for free!"

It is a humorous concept. At one point the Death Trilogy Commissioner was LMSO (Laughing My Scythe Off). However, it is not true.

New Death Trilogy Announced

Given the recent spate of nearly famous celebrity deaths, the Death Trilogy Commissioner has overruled an earlier pronouncement and issued this statement today:

I hereby proclaim this trilogy of sort-of-famous people made popular by TV who died in a 24-hour period:

• Pitchman Billy Mays, June 28, 2009
• Comedian Fred Travalena, June 28, 2009
• Boxer Alexis Argüello, July 1, 2009

Karl Malden's death on July 1, 2009 has begun a new trilogy. The next entrant must be at death's door by July 8, 2009.

Celebrities, enjoy what could be your final Fourth of July weekend...