Clueless, Lifeless

The Death Trilogy Commissioner has issued the following statement:

"Brittany Murphy died in Los Angeles on Sunday creating the possibility of one more celebrity death trilogy to close a memorable year."

This Trilogy Is Both Creepy AND Kooky

The Death Trilogy Commissioner issued the following statement:

The death of American composer Vic Mizzy – known for such hit TV themes as "Green Acres" "Mr. Ed" and "The Addams Family" has completed the current death trilogy:

• Vic Mizzy, American composer, Oct. 17, 2009
• Capt. Lou Albano, wrestling manager/actor, Oct. 14, 2009
• Al Martino, singer/actor, Oct. 13, 2009.

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Mr Corleone is a man who insists on hearing bad news at once.

The Death Trilogy Commissioner has issued the following statement:

A new death trilogy was launched this week with the death of "The Godfather's" Johnny Fontane and a wrestling industry legend...

• Capt. Lou Albano, wrestling manager/actor, Oct. 14, 2009
• Al Martino, singer/actor, Oct. 13, 2009.

Perhaps the hereafter will make Kirk Douglas an offer he cannot refuse...

DTC

Patrick, Henry and Mary

The Death Trilogy Commissioner has issued the following statement:

How many deaths will it take 'til he knows
That too many people have died?
The answer, my friend, is three for this trilogy:

• Patrick Swayze, Sept. 14, 2009
• Henry Gibson, Sept. 14, 2009
• Mary Travers, Sept. 16, 2009

And Then There Were Three...

The Death Trilogy Commissioner issued the following announcement today:

The death of U.S. Sen. Edward Kennedy completes the current death trilogy:

• Robert Novak, Aug. 18, 2009
• Don Hewitt, Aug. 19, 2009
• Sen. Edward Kennedy, Aug. 25, 2009

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Novak, Hewitt and ... ?

An important update from the Death Trilogy Commissioner:

"Last week saw the beginning of a death trilogy with some great potential:

• Robert Novak, Aug. 18, 2009
• Don Hewitt, Aug. 19, 2009

"Now the death of reality show lunatic Ryan Jenkins on Aug. 23, 2009 would seem to end the trilogy. However, as he is Canadian, this death trilogy will remain open in case someone better – and less Canadian – comes along by Aug. 26, 2009. A nice, old media death is preferable. Hello, Andy Rooney: Have you ever noticed how famous people always die in three's?

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Les is Mourned

The Death Trilogy Commissioner has issued the following ruling:

"Les Paul's death on Aug. 13, 2009 completes the current death trilogy that includes director John Hughes and JFK sister Eunice Kennedy Shriver.

"However, always cognizant of improving a death trilogy, the next six days will be watched closely. Please watch this site for official announcements."

DTC

Two down...

Death's summer holiday is over.

Two recent deaths have launched a new death trilogy:

• Director John Hughes, Aug. 6, 2009
• JFK sister Eunice Kennedy Shriver, Aug. 11, 2009

The next member of this exclusive club will make an appearance by Aug. 18. Bonus points for a member of either the Brat Pack or a famous Irish-American family heavily involved in politics...


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@DeathTrilogy

Death has taken a Twitter account:

@DeathTrilogy

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Walter Is An Orphan

Occasionally, a celebrity death will NOT be followed by other worthy deaths in succession. These so-called orphan deaths are notable for their rarity.

In the week since Walter Cronkite died, there have been deaths running the gamut from unknown boxers and would-be pro wrestlers to faded Olympic medal winners to authors (including the unfortunate soul who penned the book that became the film "Angela's Ashes") to Taco Bell dogs to Brazilian actresses and German filmmakers.

However, none of these deaths were notable enough to merit further consideration. Therefore, the Death Trilogy Commissioner rules that there will be no death trilogy associated with Walter Cronkite.

DTC

Important Announcement Expected

The Death Trilogy Commissioner issued this statement today:

One week after the death of Walter Cronkite, the public can expect a ruling on whether there is a pending death trilogy later today. Please rest assured, Gidget the Taco Bell dog will not be a part of any such announcement.

DTC

And That's The Way It Is...

CRONKITE

Walter Cronkite is dead. A new trilogy has begun. In other news:

• Eli Wallach and Harry Morgan are each 94.
• Yes, Harry Morgan has stopped beating his wife.
• Patrick Swayze is 57 and has cancer.
• Kirk Douglas and Betty Ford are each 93.
• Betty Ford's liver is suspect.
• Ted Kennedy is 77 and has a tumor in his brain.
• Christopher Lee and Jack Klugman are each 87.
• Yes, Jack Klugman is still alive.
• Billy Graham is 91.
• Kim Jong-il is ill.
• John Forsythe is 91.
• It's a bad year for Angels.

Winner!

The Associated Press is reporting the shocking news that former boxing champion Arturo Gatti was found dead in a hotel room in the seaside resort of Porto de Galihnas early Saturday.

Police investigator Edilson Alves told The Associated Press that the body of the former junior welterweight champ was discovered in his hotel room at the tourist resort, where Gatti had arrived on Friday with his Brazilian wife Amanda and 1-year-old son.

That would make the trilogy:

• Karl Malden, July 1, 2009
• Steve McNair, July 4, 2009
• Arturo Gatti, July 11, 2009

This closes out this death trilogy. Everyone should relax.

Someone Famous Dies Today

The Law of the Death Trilogy stipulates that someone famous must die today.

The trilogy so far:

• Karl Malden, July 1, 2009
• Steve McNair, July 4, 2009

Plus:

• Someone Famous, July 11, 2009

Ladies and gentlemen, start your dying!

How's Kirk Douglas Doing?

Turns out, former pro football quarterback Steve McNair did NOT have a good Fourth of July.

Going into July 8, 2009, we have:

• Karl Malden, July 1, 2009
• Steve McNair, July 4, 2009

This death trilogy remains open until July 11, 2009. Good luck, celebs! One tips: Perhaps avoid secret girlfriends with guns...

Death Trilogy Commissioner Smiles

This item was e-mailed to the Death Trilogy Commissioner from Bos'n Brad:

"It turns out, Billy Mays WAS a part of the Ed McMahon/Farrah Fawcett/Michael Jackson death trilogy: God threw him in for free!"

It is a humorous concept. At one point the Death Trilogy Commissioner was LMSO (Laughing My Scythe Off). However, it is not true.

New Death Trilogy Announced

Given the recent spate of nearly famous celebrity deaths, the Death Trilogy Commissioner has overruled an earlier pronouncement and issued this statement today:

I hereby proclaim this trilogy of sort-of-famous people made popular by TV who died in a 24-hour period:

• Pitchman Billy Mays, June 28, 2009
• Comedian Fred Travalena, June 28, 2009
• Boxer Alexis Argüello, July 1, 2009

Karl Malden's death on July 1, 2009 has begun a new trilogy. The next entrant must be at death's door by July 8, 2009.

Celebrities, enjoy what could be your final Fourth of July weekend...

Update: 6/28/09

In response to many inquiries today, the Death Trilogy Commissioner has ruled that neither Billy Mays nor Gale Storm would qualify to be a part of a death trilogy.

Special Death Trilogy Announcement

Greetings from the Death Trilogy Commissioner.

In 1977, what has become known as the holy grail of celebrity death trilogies took place:


Elvis Presley
Aug. 16, 1977


Groucho Marx
Aug. 19, 1977


Sebastian Cabot
Aug. 22, 1977

Many people attempted to add Bing Crosby to this list, but der Bingster checked out on Oct. 14, 1977. This sort of amateur death trilogy mongering led to a group of wise shamans to bequeath to me the title of "Death Trilogy Commissioner."

They gave me a life-long quest: Monitor all celebrity death trilogies to certify them as such and to determine if any meet or surpass the 1977 holy grail. I alone was given the power to monitor these important tasks.

Few rules govern this process: Deaths must take place in succession and within seven days of each other. Also, it is the sole determination of the Death Trilogy Commissioner whether any given person is even qualified to be included in a given death trilogy.

There have been many great contenders in recent years. Who can forget the great Johnny Cash, John Ritter and Warren Zevon death trilogy from 2003? Also impressive was the Don Knotts/Darren McGavin/Heath Ledger trilogy from January 2008.

Now, with the passing of three important celebrities in the past 72 hours, many people have begun to discuss the importance of this death trilogy. I have decided to make two rulings.

First, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson do indeed qualify as a death trilogy.

Second, as to the question of whether this death trilogy surpasses the holy grail: I have given this much consideration. Certainly, each of the parties surpasses Mr. Cabot. This can be said about many death trilogies in recent years, however. And Mr. Jackson, it can be argued, surpasses Groucho Marx in certain circles. However, the formidable Mr. Presley continues to anchor the holy grail of death trilogies and I must rule the current combination does not surpass the 1977 trio.

We are grateful to Mr. McMahon, Ms. Fawcett and Mr. Jackson for their incredible effort. It is indeed a close call.

Now, the Death Trilogy Commissioner is ever vigilant and will watch for the next seven days to see if a new contestant could be added to the mix, knocking out Mr. McMahon. A new statement might be forthcoming at that time.

Celebrities, you are on the clock!

Please Stand By For An Important Announcement

The Death Trilogy Commissioner will have an announcement shortly.